the scoop

Our lives have been in a little bit of a whirl wind. I will try to retell some of the events (some of the events that I can tell) that have lead us to now.
Dan and I were eager to foster/adopt, and when we got the call in September for a 3 month old and 2 year old whose goal showed as termination we jumped on the opportunity. We knew realistically the children would not just become ours, that is just not how it works.
As quickly as the children were dropped into our home with no case worker, few clothing items, and needs we did not no how to meet we quickly realized this was no easy gig. With-in the first few months we were told the children were going to a relative, the goal was changed to reunification, one of the children has a medical issue, the children were no longer going to a relative, they would be reunited after the first court, they will not be reunited, several cps reports were reported, frequent visits from the children's case worker and other people involved, the children were carted to Grand Rapids three times a week, had visited the ER more than I had with my own kids in 6 years, and we were exhausted! Yes we were exhausted, but we loved these children. The children fit in our lives. The kids adjusted well, and we were rolling just fine.
When court in December happened we knew this case could go a while. I know the children are/were loved by their parents and that eventually they will end up back home.We were not sure what to do. Our goal was adoption, but we knew that this was part of fostering. All the while our kids were falling in love, we were running raged. We couldn't keep up with constant 3 times a week visit, early-on, therapy, case worker visits, behavior issues,  dr appointments, other random visits and appointments, etc. The middle of January we told each other we needed to pray for what God's direction with all of this was. Do we keep subjecting ourselves and our children to the system? Do we let these children we love move to another home? Can we possibly give these children and our own children everything they need? Keep in mind we are not just taking care of four children we are doing everything else the system requires of us.
Then is happened: missed period, nausea, tiredness, etc you get the scoop. The already exhausting tasks were now overwhelming. We hated to put in out 30 days, but knew the next 6 months were going to be challenging enough. Weekly 10 hour injections on top of our already busy schedule. Court confirmed our fear, this was going to drag on more than we wanted to admit. So with breaking hearts we said good-bye to two people we had fallen in love with.
The guilt is a lot, but we believe in God's grace. We know we have to do what is right for what God has laid before us. Days after we made our decision, the guilt was so much. I prayed God would take away the guilt and help me to feel happy about what was happening inside me. Soon after I felt God saying to me, "you did not put these children into this situation, this is not your guilt to carry." Do I believe God wants us to help with situations we did not cause, absolutely, when you are fully capable. We are hoping to maintain  a relationship with this family, and pray for these children daily.
20 days later I drove the children to their new home. A home of a family I had already fallen in love with and talk to several times. I stayed as the children adjusted and tearfully said good-bye. While we are maintaining contact with the children it is still hard, but we feel at peace. We know our fostering days may or may not be over, but right now are license is on hold. Just yesterday we got to visit with the two littles in their new home and give them extra squeezes and kisses...waiting till next time!