A "beautiful" Mother's day

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Beauty is no make up. Beauty is tears for the 4th grandchild in a year. Beauty is dropping everything for someone.  Beauty is a warm welcome and a hot meal. Beauty is a cold drink on a warm day (or a can of pop when mom says "no"). Beauty is self-sacrificing so you can give to others. Beauty is avoiding comfort to sleep in a tent with a 4 year old who may or may not wet the bed. Beauty is a snowman snapshot sent to a 5 year to make her day. Beauty is watching the same movie over and over because you know it makes him smile. Beauty is making 9 children feel like they are the only one. Beauty is remembering every pick up and every drop off time of 4 busy children. Beauty is standing on the sidelines watching the cheer for the 100th time. Beauty is enthusiasm over another crawler, another walker, another kindergartner. Beauty is in the word "grandma", "mom", "friend". Beauty is you, and you are beauty. Happy Mother's day!

Happy Grand "mother's" day

I stayed up not cleaning, not exploring the internet, not feeding the baby, not working on my to do list, but playing a simple hand (or two or 12) of cards. A hand of cards with someone who has played many different hands, and not just cards. The hand of the poor, the hand of a adventurous child, the hand of the teenage daughter, the hand of a young mother, the hand of a caretaker, the hand of a widowed wife, the hand of a single mother, and the hand of a working mother, the hand of a grandma, the hand of a great-grandma, and the hand of so much else.

As we played, she shared. She shared the darkness, she shared the joy, she shared the strength, she shared. 

I listened. I am always surprised by what someone goes through in a life time. It is easy to just see her as my grandma, but she is so much more. A picture of strength, a picture of life, a picture of faith. Happy Mother's day to a women whom draws strength from the future not the past! 

the unknowns

I can hardly believe that we will be meeting our newest addition very shortly. I am so excited yet so anxious. There is so much we don't know:
Will this baby be a sister for Chi and Korra or a brother?
Will this baby's platelet count be where it needs to be?
Will the baby be able to stay by my side while we are in the hospital and come home with us when it is time?
How will the kids adjust to having a little one around?
How will I adjust to no sleep?
Will our baby be ready to come?
Are we making the right decisions for our little?
How big will this baby be (according to the ultrasound tech today ... this baby is a lug!! lol We anticipated a smaller baby being weeks early, although with the steroids I am on, I am thinking this will not be the case!)?


The Knowns:
Treatment has gone incredibly well, and I am wrapping up my 13th one, with only 3 more to go!
The kids are thrilled and have loved feeling the baby move.
I have been blessed with great care by my doctor and the nurses.
I have been blessed with great family and friends support.
These moments will seem miniscule in compared to a life time with our third little.
I am excited.
I am anxious. 
God is faithful.

school debate

It happened, the debate, even if I am 7 months pregnant.
Every year around this time, I start to think about homeschooling. I start to think about school starting in the fall, and I panic. I start to wrap my head around a day of homeschooling. I start to think about what I would teach and how. Then I start to think about if I can? Is it the right decision for our family? Where do I begin? Now while I am not really looking for feedback and more in likely my kids will head to the public school this fall, I still wonder? What is the right decision for our family?
Malachi loves school for the most part (until day 5...lol) and is somewhat anxious to go back. Korra on the other hand is not all that excited for preschool, but I think she will enjoy it.
I think back on my school experience and know it made me who I am today..the good and bad. I had some great Christian friends who helped guide me. I also had some incredible teachers who helped mold me. I can honestly say my faith would not be what it is today with-out those teachers, friends, school experience. I know the argument is that isn't that the parents job and don't I want to mold and shape my kids? I have mixed feelings on this, mostly I want to trust my children to God. I want God to mold and shape my kids into who He wants them to be. Yes as a Christian parent it is my job to help do that, but I can honestly say I am not the best Christian example (especially as a cranky 7 month pregnant women).
So is it still better to help direct and guide your children for the crude world and disciple them in a way that they will be better equip for the world when they are ready? Is it better to be home and learn the domestics, to study what is exciting to them, to sleep in, to show them life, to read them God's word, to offer helping hands to others, to offer things the public school just can not offer, etc? The truth of the matter is fall will be here soon and I will see Malachi 8 less hours a day! We can teach/spend a lot of time together in 8 hours, but will I be able to handle the pressure of it all. Will Malachi see the benefit in being at home or will he long to spend his days in a setting full of kids, full of real life, full of sin (is it better for him to witness the sins of others first hand or the sins of his mom more often then he should), full of standards, full of this world?


Friends, I don't know the answer. As of now we have 5 more weeks of lazy days, long swims, quiet books, and lots of crazy summer plans before I will be sending my love off to 1st grade. The prayers begin tonight as I am thankful to be living in a community where Christianity is not shunned. Where faith is still strong! Where the last two years Malachi has been blessed with Christian teachers and this year will be the same. Blessed....

My heart

I read something the other day I just can not get out of my head:

“The truth is that the 143 million orphaned children and the 11 million who starve to death or die from preventable diseases and the 8.5 million who work as child slaves, prostitutes, or under other horrific conditions and the 2.3 million who live with HIV add up to 164.8 million needy children. And though at first glance that looks like a big number, 2.1 billion people on this earth proclaim to be Christians. The truth is that if only 8 percent of the Christians would care for one more child, there would not be any statistics left.”

Right now I know is not the time for our family to take on another child, even though my heart aches to do so. I can only pray for the child(ren) now, and continue to help prepare our family to do whatever God calls. I know God's plans are bigger and I must be patient as I wait His calling and His timing.

the scoop

Our lives have been in a little bit of a whirl wind. I will try to retell some of the events (some of the events that I can tell) that have lead us to now.
Dan and I were eager to foster/adopt, and when we got the call in September for a 3 month old and 2 year old whose goal showed as termination we jumped on the opportunity. We knew realistically the children would not just become ours, that is just not how it works.
As quickly as the children were dropped into our home with no case worker, few clothing items, and needs we did not no how to meet we quickly realized this was no easy gig. With-in the first few months we were told the children were going to a relative, the goal was changed to reunification, one of the children has a medical issue, the children were no longer going to a relative, they would be reunited after the first court, they will not be reunited, several cps reports were reported, frequent visits from the children's case worker and other people involved, the children were carted to Grand Rapids three times a week, had visited the ER more than I had with my own kids in 6 years, and we were exhausted! Yes we were exhausted, but we loved these children. The children fit in our lives. The kids adjusted well, and we were rolling just fine.
When court in December happened we knew this case could go a while. I know the children are/were loved by their parents and that eventually they will end up back home.We were not sure what to do. Our goal was adoption, but we knew that this was part of fostering. All the while our kids were falling in love, we were running raged. We couldn't keep up with constant 3 times a week visit, early-on, therapy, case worker visits, behavior issues,  dr appointments, other random visits and appointments, etc. The middle of January we told each other we needed to pray for what God's direction with all of this was. Do we keep subjecting ourselves and our children to the system? Do we let these children we love move to another home? Can we possibly give these children and our own children everything they need? Keep in mind we are not just taking care of four children we are doing everything else the system requires of us.
Then is happened: missed period, nausea, tiredness, etc you get the scoop. The already exhausting tasks were now overwhelming. We hated to put in out 30 days, but knew the next 6 months were going to be challenging enough. Weekly 10 hour injections on top of our already busy schedule. Court confirmed our fear, this was going to drag on more than we wanted to admit. So with breaking hearts we said good-bye to two people we had fallen in love with.
The guilt is a lot, but we believe in God's grace. We know we have to do what is right for what God has laid before us. Days after we made our decision, the guilt was so much. I prayed God would take away the guilt and help me to feel happy about what was happening inside me. Soon after I felt God saying to me, "you did not put these children into this situation, this is not your guilt to carry." Do I believe God wants us to help with situations we did not cause, absolutely, when you are fully capable. We are hoping to maintain  a relationship with this family, and pray for these children daily.
20 days later I drove the children to their new home. A home of a family I had already fallen in love with and talk to several times. I stayed as the children adjusted and tearfully said good-bye. While we are maintaining contact with the children it is still hard, but we feel at peace. We know our fostering days may or may not be over, but right now are license is on hold. Just yesterday we got to visit with the two littles in their new home and give them extra squeezes and kisses...waiting till next time!

The naked mommy truth

Right now our world is consumed by the organized beautiful world of pinterest, the elegant articles on so many blogs on how to have the perfect life, the facebook qoutes about lovely homes and perfect children (or the pure opposite ... which is just as annoying!!!) The other day I looked into my cupboards and to utter disgust can not figure out how it became utter chaos! I was instantly hit with embarrassment. I know I pinned somewhere on how to organize a cupboard...where is that??? Why is it not organize? Right in the middle of my thoughts I hear it a baby cry...oh no not a baby cry the cry of a hurt child or angry child??? I put off my thoughts and rush to the aid only to learn it was a false alarm. The children were playing babies and Korra was the crying baby! In right thre in that moment it hit me they still live in the fantast world, but I live in reality.
Reality says so much more than organized cupboards. It says waiting in a pretend waiting room so you can see Dr Korra, cleaning up the water that just happened to get on the floor while two little people were bathing, matching endless amounts of socks, preparing a favorite meal for someone special's birthday, downloading more apps on my new Christmas present for the littles and realizing not one of them is for me, watching Korra do a hand stand for the 15th time in an hour, watching Korra almost break her neck as she tries to do a flip over the couch (yup she really does that ...ahh..fearless), helping Malachi spell out the words for his new story, folding up those tiny onsises only to unfold them for the next blow-out, kissing the itty-bitty tiny owie on the finger, and not always loving every minute of it.
One of my very best friends came over today and asked about the saying that has been posted on my chalkboard in my entry for several months now. It says, "Don't mind the mess the children are making memories."  I told her about my life of unorganized cupboards and her reply was genuis.
"You will have years to organize cupboards when no little people are in your home."
I reminded myself to take on one project at a time and know when a house is perfect something is giving. I am not ready to let something or someone give!

12

So I had big plans to post 12 of my favorite things today on 12.12.12, but lets be honest I really don't have time to think about 12 things I enjoy. Right now it just isn't about me, and that's ok. I am in the spirit of giving, right? Giving of time, energy, emotions, disciplines, joy, laughter, and life. Right now we are not where we want to be, but where God wants us to be. While I can't think of 12 favorite things in 12.12.12 I can think of a few blessings. A few things to be grateful for, a few things to enjoy!

While God does not promise it would be easy,  He does promise He will give us rest (Matthew 11:28-great chapter reference-Ha! God does have a sense of humor)!

Anyway so here is the list I started, but have not finished!
My favorites:
1.Cookie dough poptarts...! oh my guilty pleasure. I don't always let the kids have poptarts, but I sneak these babies for myself!
2. Audio Audrenaline's new song Kings and Queens
3. Love how this letter speaks my heart! oh how I want this for my babies!
4. This powerful story of love and beauty!

Thankful

Artist: Malachi

 

Looking forward to spending November decorating our thankful tree. I think I could fill it right up today as I think about this past week. Here are just a few of my thanksgivings:
*a mom is who is handy enough to fix my washer
*a friend who takes time to hear me vent
*a sister who is willing to watch my kiddos while I help in Chi's class
*a neighbor who host a fun filled night for my kids
*a husband who helps and knows when I need a break
*a God so full of grace

Happy Thankful month!

about 4

The hardest part about having four children in the house is:
not managing to get all four of them buckled into a carseat only to unbuckle them all because the baby needs a bottle.
it's not getting four children into pajamas, brushing their teeth, reading them a book, and tucking them all in only for the rounds of "I need a drink to begin."
it's not going to the grocery store with a carseat in the one part of the cart, one child in the seat, two children trailing, and no where to put your groceries.
it's not the numerous loads of laundry

Nope it is none of the above.

The hardest part about having four children is:
The stares you get, the looks of concern, or worse yet the looks of "get it together".
It's the "forgotten invitation" to normally invited events
It's the overwhelmed feeling people around you have

So yup we are a family of 6 for now, like it or leave it. ... that comment is for me and me alone. After all 4 is our number, not meant to be imposed on anyone else. Just for the sake of it..the best part of four is:
the endless entertainment, the endless hugs, and the endless love that feels our home day in and day out!

broken

Lately I have felt very emotional. I have cried happy tears, angry tears, sad tears, and hopeful tears.
I have cried for the babies we are currently caring over. Cried over the brokeness of this world that has caused such little people so much pain. Cried over the parents who longed to hold their babies, but can't seemed to get to that point. Cried over how God has given me grace, love, and peace through it all. Cried over my own babies who are sacrificing for these little people too. Cried over the generosity of our family and friends. Cried because my heart is so full. Cried because we live in a fallen world, and cried because this world is not eternity!

 I feel like such a mess, but yet I feel so much put together. Was blessed to wake up to this right over our house this morning:

A side note: Korra asked me today how come I was feeding the baby a bottle and not with my boobies!! lol!

stronger

Today was just one of those days...a bad one...
Yesterday we got a kitten, I hate cats! We got it to kill the mice/chipmunks in our barn. Malachi loves it, Korra screams if it is with-in 2 feet of her. The thing will not stay in the box, and doesn't stay in the yard. I had to put it in the garage for the night only to have to try and find it in the morning. ... ahh I hate cats!
Soon after the cat scadal I was informed that I was in Paris and needed money...email scam.. I only wish I was in Paris! Sorry email friends I am not in Paris and don't need money although if you have more than you don't need you can send some to my home address.
I endured a broken heart after news that we would not receive the baby we have patiently waited for, for the last month. The baby who's carseat sits in out car, whos clothes line out closets, and whos toys adorn our baskets. I know there are more babies who need homes and this is part of the system, but it still hurts. Fostering is a tough gig, but someone has got to do it!
Heard some bad news from a friend, and hurt all over again.
All the while missing my husband who is gone all week training for his new job.

Life is tough! My friend reminded me of this song. I am so grateful for friends who help me hold on knowing this will make me stronger.

I am the mom

I am the mom who often feels overwhelmed with daily life
I am the mom who is scared something may happen to the people I love
I am the mom who often gets frustrated
I am the mom who yells sometimes
I am the mom who cries sometimes
I am the mom who has a dirty mini van
I am the mom who needs encouragement
I am the mom who likes a clean house
I am the mom who wants "good" children

I am the mom who needs to know what she does do right!


I am the mom who takes time to build snow forts
I am the mom who kisses often
I am the mom who smiles
I am the mom who helps
I am the mom who prays
I am the mom who reads
I am the mom who gives up her treats to see a smile
I am the mom who sacrifices a good lunch for a happy meal
I am the mom that knows my kid's are not perfect but treasured in the eyes of God!
I am the mom that tries to create lasting memories with the people I love!

Sometimes I feel like my skills at a mom are cut short, but I am reminded that God gives us our little people because we are the parents he picked for them! Not only so we can teach them, but so they can teach us! Teach us to be humble learners and seekers of God's word..knowing we need it to make it through daily life as a mom!

Temporary Home

It is official we are licensed foster care workers! We are so excited to extend our family temporarily or permanently.

I have had this song on my mind a lot lately. I am not sure if it is because of the new journey we are about to endear or just my state of mind. This song always makes me think about what I do on a daily basis that does not matter! This world is temporary we will soon be home for eternity!!! What are you doing in this temporary world to impact your eternity?

2012- a new journey!

Geared up and ready for the journey ahead!

I enter 2012 with no specific goals at hand, but with a new outlook. I enter 2012 with hope, but not expectations. I enter 2012 with excitement, but anticipation.
Dan and I have decided to take on a family challenge. One we know God will have to lead us in. We are in the process of becoming licensed to foster. We have intentions to adopt, but our main intention is to be Jesus to any and all the children that may come into our home. While the next year and years to come may be challenging we know with God all things are possible and truly believe this is the direction God is leading us.
While this will be also challenging for our little people it will be a great learning opportunity for them as well. We pray for their little hearts through-out this process, but know they are far more equipped then we are! Malachi would love to fill up this house with children...(7 in fact was his number - lol). While I will not be able to post too much information we would appreciate your prayers as we dive into this mission!

This song always gives me perspective even though he is not talking about our specific situation it is right on target:
"I wanna give her the world I wanna hold her hand I wanna be her mom for as long as I can and I wanna live every moment until that day comes I wanna show her what it means to be loved." Mark Schultz

Thanksgiving

I wish I had a lot to say, but I don't. It is not that I am not thankful, because I am! I just feel like I need to post a thanksgiving post and have nothing to say!
We have been working on being thankful at our house this week...a tad bit challenging for a 5 year old and 2 year old, but do able! Today at lunch Korra was thankful for our pastor! Malachi will he is thankful for presents...seriously tell me it his age... I am beginning to worry..lol!
Anyway I am thankful for them both! Their energetic personalities, their imaginations, their love for people, their love for God (this always amazes me...but goes along with scripture...have faith like a child), and just who they are!
Feeling so blessed this week!

Milestone I am not ready for

Malachi and I ventured out last week to do some school shopping and spend a little one on one time together. We were very sucessful in finding all he needed .... given the list is short for a young fiver!

Anyway preparing to send him to school brings on a whole realm of emotions for me.

Is he ready for this big step...or more importantly am I? I have spent countless hours playing with this little guy, reading to him, holding him, feeding him, taking care of him, but I still don't feel it is enough! I am not ready to loss him even if it is for a few short hours a day!

Then come the emotions - he is still my baby.... How will he find his way into school? Who will tie his shoes? Who will help him? What if they pick on him?

Or the emotions of: Where is our freedom? We have to be home when? How will we get anything done on such a tight schedule? What about going to lunch? What about daddy visits? What about last minute play dates?

As many emotions go through my heart and head....I pray for protection over my sensitive boy. I pray for guidance over his heart. I pray for Christian teachers (thanking God for Mrs. Z right now). I pray for wisdom. I pray for peace for me as we take this next step. I pray for God to shine through in all that Malachi does. I pray that we did just enough to help him make the right choices and decisions. I pray for thanksgiving that I was blessed with 5 wonderful years to love on someone so loveable!

Greeting the next stage with an emotion of excitement!

RELAX

You are not going to believe what I did today....ABSOLUTELY NOTHING...that is right...nothing...no cooking, no dishes, no cleaning, no laundry, nada!!!!
Dan had a meeting in Detroit and I decided to join him. The kids stayed with my parents and dan and I headed out to our hotel late last night. Dan had a meeting all day today so I laid in bed in my pjs and watched tv!!!! I watched shows I have not seen in years, and seen some new ones I have never seen too!!!
Food in bed, bubbles in tub, and a fresh look on life. What ever women needs every once in a while. So if you have not made out your Christmas list add a hotel room to it! Back to reality tomorrow night!

to the house

A few weeks ago while looking through a house, we found that the owners and previous owners of the home had written a message to the house on the basement floor. Afer leaving our home yesterday,I thought about what I would write to our home. This is the message I would write on the basement floor of this home:
To the home that holds so many precious memories, like the memory of our very first night here, and bringing home our babies to you with streamers and balloons hanging from you. The many get togethers and birthday parties held in our backyard. The laughter that came from so many of these rooms. This house has been a special part of our family. We came here as two and we leave here as four. We came here not knowing anyone, and leave knowing many. This home has been sweet and we will always remember it as our very first home. The home that helped us grow in so many ways. Thank-you for being our home for the past eight years you will be missed. I hope the family that moves in here will be as blessed as we were!
As we move out of this home I am sad and excited. Sad for all the firsts that were held here and excited for all the first that will be held in our new home.
fyi: we pulled out our offer on the short sale and our seeking God's direction!
thanks for your continued prayer!

Less is more

So I am reminded that less is more especially during this time in our lives. This past week I have been feeling convicted about what we are looking for in our new home and I am reminded of what is important. As the search continues I am trying to look at it in a new light. We are not sure where we will be but we know God has all control. These past few months we have watched houses slip away from us for various reasons and are again reminded of God's control. After several convictions and lots of prayer we are jumping into the house hunting with new eyes. What we want is not our need. What we want may not be God's desire for us. This has been a humbling experience as we set out to find the house God has for us, not the house the house of our dreams (although God works in mysterious ways)!!! So our mind set has become "less is more". Less of a mortgage is more to share with others and give! Less room in the home gives us more family time. Less space more memories. Less stress more hugs! I am not sure where we will be but God is!
This article comes back to me again and again I encourage you to read it! Enjoy